i'm at the combination funemployment and quarantine

(apologies for making this one a Lowercase Aesthetic post. i kinda just wanted to write things and didn’t care about proper capitalization.)

so i’m in a somewhat okay spot right now. the past year or so has been a bit of a whirlwind. since moving to Denver back in December, i feel like i’ve continued to reinvent myself in new ways. i started therapy. i started antidepressants and ADHD medications. i gradually regained the ability to work on personal coding projects.

it doesn’t feel 100% sunshiny yet, though. the therapy has been slow going, though i do feel like it’s starting to close in on interesting things. (also it’s responsible for the ADHD diagnosis, so i can’t totally discount it.) the meds i’ve started haven’t been home runs; i recently switched antidepressants and i think it’s backfired some, and the ADHD med hasn’t had a huge effect. while working on egg-mode has given me something quote-and-quote “productive” to spend my days on, it’s not like it’s as practical as “looking for a job”1 or “writing something more flashy as a demo project”. also it’s become the yardstick i measure my executive function by, and sometimes that comes at the exclusion of other things, and it makes the days where i don’t do code feel worse.

the last couple weeks have seemed pretty low-energy, to be frank. while the last few months have felt like a bit of a gradual climb out of burnout into a headspace where i feel like i can start to come back to some of my old haunts, i’ve recently felt like i’ve been in a bit of a backslide.2 i know i’m in a decent enough position where i can keep coasting a little bit longer, though. i know i have a lot of blessings to count, even from where i feel like i’m sitting.

anyway, that’s where i’m at. here’s some of what i’ve been doing to keep my head above water:

where was i going with this? i guess i wanted to post a data point under the heading “getting better takes time”. and also “i get sad/depressed sometimes, like right now”. like i said, i’m thankful for where i’m at, but sometimes i also need to consciously remind myself of that.

  1. i have starting looking for work, though. just a couple small feelers via the Recurse Center, for now. i’ll post something if i want to look more broadly. 

  2. honestly, writing this whole post up has really just told me that the antidepressant i switched to recently might be an issue. the other one i was on felt okay, but also only like it had a marginal effect. i could probably try going back to that on a higher dose, tbh. i just get nervous about any antidepressant because the med i’ve been on forever to prevent migraines is also in a similar category, so there’s a decent chance that taking enough of both of them could cause an unpleasant interaction.